Fear and self-loathing in Toronto.

I need a swift kick up the backside, really. I bottled out of a solo to the practice area because the winds were a bit gusty up there and were freaking me out a little bit. I told Bob that “I knew I needed to expand my comfort zone but this was a little beyond what I wanted to do today.” He said he had no problem with sending me out there solo but wanted me to be comfortable. Even as I said it, it sounded so lame to my ears, truly pathetic.

Yes the winds were challenging but I was nailing those landings albeit with a lot of swearing. Understand that my biggest fear is getting out there and the conditions changing so that coming back is a problem. I could handle it though. They were the best crosswind landings I had ever done and I was riding out the random gusts enough to spot what they were doing to my airspeed before it all got too pear shaped.

I should have gone, that simple. And yes it may have been bumpy out there and yes I may have gotten shaken in my seat a bit, but I’m going to have to suck it up and work through it.

As soon as I landed, shut down and headed in to dispatch, I was regretting my decision. It wasn’t a wasted flight, because the crosswind stuff was really valuable but it wasn’t optimal by a long stretch. Next time I’m simple not going to give myself the option. I will ask Bob if he is happy for me to go out there solo. If the answer is yes then that’s my only option.

I hate myself right now.