Tuesday 21 August 2012

Wasn’t sure whether to post this

I originally wrote this quite a few weeks ago now, in a fairly significant gap flyingwise. I got myself into a bit of a funk for some reason. I hesitate to post this now because certain people read this blog and I don’t want them to think this is my current frame of mind, (Hi Bob!).
However I think I should post it because it is an accurate reflection on my mindset at the time and if I ever get back into that mind frame, it’ll be good to remind myself that I got out of it. So here goes (warning it’s a long one)
In a strange kind of mood right now.
Flying still excites me but I’m experiencing a strange kind of pessimism at the moment.
I think I’m a little overwhelmed by all the other stuff that comes with it. The studying isn’t coming along as well as I’d hoped. Despite my jokes about throwing stuff around, I’m not that far from it. I’m even losing confidence in the skills I’ve already developed. So I figured I’d get all my thinking down in writing and maybe I’ll see how ludicrous I sound, or at least it’ll stop me pissing off my friends by whining at them.
The theoretical stuff and studying: I think that I’m suffering from a lack of structure and/or self-motivation. Anything I’ve ever done in my life before (include all my Project Management stuff I did at the U of T) was structured. Go to this class, learn this stuff and sit this exam on this date. Flying isn’t like that. There are no fixed dates. Want to go solo? Then you need to have done X, Y and Z, but no one is going to chase you up for them. You don’t get round to it, then there are no real repercussions. I wonder if I’m holding back slightly (maybe even subconsciously refusing to learn the stuff) because sitting the Transport Canada exam commits me to taking my skills test in a certain time frame (24 months). I don’t think I’m convinced I can do it in that time (I’m not sure I can do it at all but we’ll come to that later).
There doesn’t seem to be an end to it all: As soon as I get one thing under my belt, I seem to think of another thing I need to do. This is true for both the theory and the practical stuff. I’m reasonably happy that I can climb, descend and turn and basically fly the plane. But then I realise at some point I’m going to have to navigate as well, or I remember that Bob was controlling the power when I did steep turns, for example. I know that I’ll revisit things but at the moment I’m very much focussed on what I can’t do. I’m aware that I’m skimming the theoretical stuff that doesn’t seem relevant at the moment. I’m also aware that my judgement on what is relevant is also a bit suspect. I’m avoiding anything to do with Met at the moment but deep in the back of my mind I know it’s important but I find it boring!
I’m impatient with myself: Although I know that RTH loves answering my questions about flying (I’m constantly asking him all kinds of stuff) he did raise a valid point. I seem to have a problem allowing myself to be a student. I have problems accepting that I will be a bit crap at times, and that I won’t know everything straight away. As RTH points out, I only have 13 hours. He has nearly 10 times that. Of course he knows more than I do. That’s Ok. Intellectually I know he is completely right. Emotionally I’m obviously having an issue with it.
Lack of confidence: I’ve battled a lifelong struggle with this, I think. No matter how much people tell me otherwise if I get it into my head that I’m bad at something. Nothing you tell me will convince me. Intellectually I can appreciate all the things Bob does to boost my confidence but in the back of my mind there’s still that little voice that says “you’re still a bit rubbish, you know”. I have no idea what’ll convince me otherwise.
I think too much: In my mind I’m revisiting maneuvers and stuff that I’ve already covered and I’m asking myself questions like “did I remember to use the rudder in that turn to base leg in my lesson 2 weeks ago”. Of course I don’t remember, so I convince myself that I didn’t and maybe Bob was correcting this stuff without telling me ( or even more worryingly without me noticing). This isn’t helped by the fact that I know that Bob is making inputs and correcting stuff. Of course he is, that’s his job. Just as I learned to take off in stages (first lesson I just did the rotation, second lesson I did that and the rudder input etc.), learning all the other stuff in stages like that is completely the correct way to do it. For some reason (see the point above) I get angry with myself that I’m not doing everything. I can give you a brilliant example, my first circuits lesson. I thought I’d done really well. I had a whale of a time. Until the next day, when I started to analyse what I’d done. I was going through all the steps in my head, turn at this point, put 10° flaps here, 20° there. Land, rinse, repeat. Hang on how am I putting down 10° flaps a second time. I never retracted them back up from 30°. Do I have magic flaps? No, Bob was obviously retracting them for me. Now I don’t have a problem with that. I have the problem with the fact that a) I didn’t notice him doing it and b) it never even occurred to me that this was happening until 24 hours after the lesson. How much more stuff am I blindly ignoring? That scares me.
Wow, I had no idea all that stuff was inside my head! It’s been quite cathartic getting it all down in type. Now to just get over myself and keep on flying!

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