However I think I should post it because it is an accurate
reflection on my mindset at the time and if I ever get back into that mind
frame, it’ll be good to remind myself that I got out of it. So here goes
(warning it’s a long one)
In a strange kind of
mood right now.
Flying still excites me but I’m experiencing a strange kind of
pessimism at the moment.
I think I’m a little overwhelmed by all the other stuff that comes
with it. The studying isn’t coming along as well as I’d hoped. Despite my jokes
about throwing stuff around, I’m not that far from it. I’m even losing
confidence in the skills I’ve already developed. So I figured I’d get all my
thinking down in writing and maybe I’ll see how ludicrous I sound, or at least
it’ll stop me pissing off my friends by whining at them.
The theoretical
stuff and studying: I think that I’m suffering from a lack of structure and/or self-motivation.
Anything I’ve ever done in my life before (include all my Project Management
stuff I did at the U of T) was structured. Go to this class, learn this stuff
and sit this exam on this date. Flying isn’t like that. There are no fixed
dates. Want to go solo? Then you need to have done X, Y and Z, but no one is
going to chase you up for them. You don’t get round to it, then there are no
real repercussions. I wonder if I’m holding back slightly (maybe even
subconsciously refusing to learn the stuff) because sitting the Transport
Canada exam commits me to taking my skills test in a certain time frame (24
months). I don’t think I’m convinced I can do it in that time (I’m not sure I
can do it at all but we’ll come to that later).
There doesn’t seem
to be an end to it all: As soon as I get
one thing under my belt, I seem to think of another thing I need to do. This is
true for both the theory and the practical stuff. I’m reasonably happy that I
can climb, descend and turn and basically fly the plane. But then I realise at
some point I’m going to have to navigate as well, or I remember that Bob was
controlling the power when I did steep turns, for example. I know that I’ll revisit
things but at the moment I’m very much focussed on what I can’t do. I’m aware
that I’m skimming the theoretical stuff that doesn’t seem relevant at the
moment. I’m also aware that my judgement on what is relevant is also a bit
suspect. I’m avoiding anything to do with Met at the moment but deep in the
back of my mind I know it’s important but I find it boring!
I’m impatient with
myself: Although I know that RTH loves answering my questions about
flying (I’m constantly asking him all kinds of stuff) he did raise a valid
point. I seem to have a problem allowing myself to be a student. I have
problems accepting that I will be a bit crap at times, and that I won’t know
everything straight away. As RTH points out, I only have 13 hours. He has
nearly 10 times that. Of course he knows more than I do. That’s Ok.
Intellectually I know he is completely right. Emotionally I’m obviously having
an issue with it.
Lack of confidence: I’ve battled a
lifelong struggle with this, I think. No matter how much people tell me
otherwise if I get it into my head that I’m bad at something. Nothing you tell
me will convince me. Intellectually I can appreciate all the things Bob does to
boost my confidence but in the back of my mind there’s still that little voice
that says “you’re still a bit rubbish, you know”. I have no idea what’ll
convince me otherwise.
I think too much: In my mind I’m
revisiting maneuvers and stuff that I’ve already covered and I’m asking myself
questions like “did I remember to use the rudder in that turn to base leg in my
lesson 2 weeks ago”. Of course I don’t remember, so I convince myself that I
didn’t and maybe Bob was correcting this stuff without telling me ( or even
more worryingly without me noticing). This isn’t helped by the fact that I know
that Bob is making inputs and correcting stuff. Of course he is, that’s his
job. Just as I learned to take off in stages (first lesson I just did the
rotation, second lesson I did that and the rudder input etc.), learning all the
other stuff in stages like that is completely the correct way to do it. For
some reason (see the point above) I get angry with myself that I’m not doing
everything. I can give you a brilliant example, my first circuits lesson. I
thought I’d done really well. I had a whale of a time. Until the next day, when
I started to analyse what I’d done. I was going through all the steps in my
head, turn at this point, put 10° flaps here, 20° there. Land, rinse, repeat.
Hang on how am I putting down 10° flaps a second time. I never retracted them
back up from 30°. Do I have magic flaps? No, Bob was obviously retracting them
for me. Now I don’t have a problem with that. I have the problem with the fact
that a) I didn’t notice him doing it and b) it never even occurred to me that
this was happening until 24 hours after the lesson. How much more stuff am I
blindly ignoring? That scares me.
Wow, I had no idea all that stuff was inside my head! It’s been
quite cathartic getting it all down in type. Now to just get over myself and
keep on flying!
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