It’s the simple things….

That terrify me sometimes (OK all the time!).

Now that I’ve proven to myself that I can fly a plane to flight test standards (mostly!), I’ve obviously got to start fretting about something else.

In this case it is the dreaded passenger briefing. Actually there are three of them.

Three of them that I’ve pretty much been able to avoid by mumbling “thisiswhereiwoulddothepassengerbriefing” at the appropriate time and hoping that Bob wouldn’t notice.

Well he has!

Damn.

The real issue I have with them is the whole “pretend” factor. I haven’t been giving Bob the delight of my passenger briefings because, quite frankly, he knows a lot more than me and I don’t find it hard to acknowledge this. I never was very good at the pretend thing, I can’t pretend that Bob is a clueless passenger any more than I can pretend to like some of the utter morons I work with.

So what are these problematic briefings I hear you ask?

Numero Uno

The “as pilot in command I’m about to assume responsibility for you so here’s how not to die on the ramp and getting into my plane” briefing*

This covers a whole whack of stuff, right from where you can smoke (hint: nowhere!), how to get into the plane, how to adjust the seat, how to open the door and how to work your seatbelt.

I am NOT qualified to give this advice. It took me 10 hours of lessons before I figured out how to work the door and seatbelt together, maybe another ten before I figured out how my headset came into the mix. I’m sure Bob spent most of our first 20 or so lessons together sitting patiently as yet again I attempted to garrotte myself on my own headset wires. After that I didn’t get any better, he just started sending me into the plane 5 minutes before him.  Either he was bored with trying to hide his amusement or he was secretly assembling an audience to join in the fun. There’s probably video footage somewhere.

Part Deux

The “yes the reason you can hear me very clearly now is because our engine has quit and we are about to make what I’m going to euphemistically call an off airport landing, you may know it as a CRASH” briefing

Actions here include telling people to take off anything sharp and cushion their face before we “touch down”! Oh yeah and crack open the door now in case we can’t afterwards. And if you could hit the big red switch that I specifically told you not to touch before we get out, someone might eventually come looking for us.

How much of this a panicked passenger might take in is anyone’s guess. I don’t care.

I’ll be trying to land the plane.

The Third

The “yes the engine is still going but we are going to have to put it down in a field anyways” briefing

Many reasons for this and probably the briefing would be tailored to the demands of the situation. It might be a dodgy sounding engine, in which case it’ll go more like #2 on the list. Or it could be a sick passenger, it which case it’ll probably just consist of “GET IT IN THE BAG PLEASE!”

It’s all too stressful. In real life I know my potential passengers and would be fine speaking to them and telling them what they need to know. I can’t do that with Bob and I’m going to struggle with the examiner.

*these may not be the official designations!